How to Be a Peacemaker

PEACEMAKERS ARE RARE, VALUABLE AND BLESSED
 
When one person decides to become equipped, or better equipped to be a peacemaker and is willing to work to resolve conflict, not escalate it, they can powerfully breathe life into situations, circumstances and relationships.  For your own conflicts, you will ultimately save time, energy and money when you can effectively resolve conflicts.
 
But even more importantly, you might save relationships, marriages, and business partnerships; or even be key to transforming the environment in such a way that it leads to dramatic and positive changes in your neighborhood or community.
 
“What causes fights and quarrels among you?  Don’t they come from
your desires that battle within you? “ 
-James 4:1
 
CONFLICT STARTS IN THE HEART
Your hear is the wellspring of all your thoughts, desires, words and actions.  Therefore, it is also the source of your conflicts.  When you progress from a desire to a demand to judgement to punisher you have allowed your heart to drive you to a place of conflict with yourself, and with others.  Check your desires and demands before you progress onto judgement and punisher — you will save yourself a lot of heartache! 
 
Ask yourself a few heart-searching questions:
How are you punishing others?   How are you judging others?   What are you demanding to have?    What is the root desire of your demand?    What makes you think you need or deserve to have those desires satisfied?
 
GET EQUIPPED TO RESOLVE CONFLICT - BECOME A PEACEMAKER
Yesterday we introduced the
“Getting to Yes” book by Fisher and Ury, which outlines the four steps to producing a wise agreement, being efficient in getting to agreement, and maintaining (and maybe even improving) the relationships of the parties:
     1) Separate the PEOPLE from the problem;
     2) Focus on INTERESTS, not positions;
     3) Invent OPTIONS for mutual gain; and
     4) Insist on using objective CRITERIA.
 
I personally have used this simple model for several years and have found it to be extremely powerful in providing a great roadmap for resolving conflict.  In fact, I used this approach in a highly complex negotiation that I was involved in with several veteran federal government attorneys.  The lead attorney for the government said this, after we completed a 3 month intense negotiation: “In my 28 years of practicing law, this is the most effective, simple, enjoyable and successful negotiation process I have ever been part of!”
 
High praise - maybe you should consider using it yourself!
 
You see, when your are in conflict or negotiation with others, you and the other parties are people first.  Also, everyone shares in common the desire to reach an agreement that satisfies their substantive interests.  Dealing with a weighty substantive problem and maintaining a good working relationship need not be conflicting goals.
 
Part of achieving both those goals involves communication skills - you must:
1. Listen actively and acknowledge what is being said (even if you don’t agree with it).
2. Speak to be understood, not to let off steam or throw your weight around.
3. Speak about yourself, your needs, the impact on you — don’t speak about them — let them speak for themselves.
4. Speak for a purpose - not just to occupy airspace
5. Face the problem not the people
 
Another key is to focus on interests not positions:
1. Behind opposing positions lie shared and compatible interests, as well as conflicting ones.  The positions bring the fiery emotion, the interests open the door for problem solving and the hope for progress towards resolution.
2. To identify interests ask why, and why not.
3. Remember, the most powerful interests are basic human needs (security, recognition, control, a sense of belonging, a chance to be heard).
 
To help solve a conflict always search for multiple options.  If you are committed and persistent you can always create 3 or more viable ideas for solving a problem.  Stop thinking that solving their problem is their problem.  Stop fighting over a bigger slice of a fixed size pie — invent a bigger pie.  Separate inventing options, from deciding on the best options (don’t kill creativity and brainstorming before it starts).
 
Deciding on the basis of will is very costly.  Instead, search for objective criteria that you can both agree on (i.e. market value, scientific judgement, some established standard.  Finally, reason and be open to reason.
“Communication works for those who work at it.” - John Powell
“To do nothing is in every man’s power.” - Samuel Johnson
DAILY PRAYER 
Father, let us soak deeply on Your Word in Matthew 7:5 which states “You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”  Help me to stop lying to myself, to let go of my wrong, self-serving desires, demands, judging and punishing attitude.  Help me to have wisdom to produce wise agreements, be efficient, and to hold dear the relationships of others.  In Jesus name, Amen.
 
Resolve to be a peacemaker, you might be the only one in the room!  Teach others to approach conflict with a new perspective, a new approach, and a new hope.
 
Grace and peace multiplied to you,