How to Resolve Conflict Without Giving In

LOOK INSIDE BEFORE ACTING OUTSIDE                                                                                                                          Like it or not, you are a negotiator. More and more occasions require negotiation; conflict is a growth industry. Negotiation is a fact of life - trying to agree with a stranger on the price of a house, setting a curfew for your teenager, obtaining a raise at work, resolving a fence line dispute with a neighbor, resolving a customer service problem with your local department store, or big stakes issues like multimillion dollar joint ventures, labor strikes, or international peace — the potential conflicts are endless, the need to negotiate is not an option. The only questions - although negotiation takes place every day, how well will you do it? Are you fully equipped to effectively resolve conflict?If you are presently involved in a conflict, maybe it is time to step back and regroup by searching inside yourself by considering the following key questions:

1. On paper, summarize the dispute as you perceive it, placing events in chronological order as much as possible. Be sure and include a description of all that you have done to resolve the dispute (ouch - step on your toes with that one?). This act of putting the details on paper serves to lower your emotions and forces you to clarify the facts, the perceptions, and your actions to date.

2. Identify what method of conflict resolution you have been using to date (flight, denial, overlook, reconciliation, negotiation, mediation, arbitration, assault - verbal/physical, litigation, etc.).

3. What have been your primary goals as you have tried to resolve this conflict? Are those goals written down?

4. How could you become a steward through this conflict and serve others, grow in your character and integrity, and improve your influence skills?

5. What would a win for all parties look like?

6. What have you been relying on for guidance in this situation: your feelings, your personal opinion, family members, friends, subject matter experts, legal counsel, Godly counsel?

7. What are you struggling with most at this time: attacks by the other party, fear of what may happen, controlling your tongue, controlling your emotions, your pride, lack of support from others?

MOVE AWAY FROM POSITIONS - MOVE TO INTERESTS                                                                                  Regardless of what a conflict is about, or what a negotiation concerns, the typical approach is each side takes a position, argues for it, and possibly makes concessions to reach a compromise. This approach likely depends upon successively taking — then giving up a series of positions.

Both sides are bargaining over positions, and once your position has been stated, you tend to stay locked into that position - pride won’t let you move off your position very easily. This positional approach likely ensures a mediocre outcome, bruised feelings, and not a very efficient timeline for producing agreement.

The better way???

Still a classic, even 27 years later — “Getting to Yes” by Fisher and Ury. In this tremendous book, the authors outline 4 simple (not always easy to do) steps to producing a wise agreement, being efficient in getting to agreement, and maintaining (and maybe even improving) the relationships of the parties. Those 4 steps include: 1) Separate the PEOPLE from the problem; 2) Focus on INTERESTS, not positions; 3) Invent OPTIONS for mutual gain; and 4) Insist on using objective CRITERIA.

More on this approach tomorrow!

“To improve is to change; to be perfect is to change often.” - Winston Churchill

DAILY PRAYER                                                                                                                                                                                     “If it is possible, as far as it depends, live at peace with everyone.” Romans 12:18 In Jesus name, Amen.Live at peace, free from conflict to the maximum extent possible. When conflict is unavoidable move from positions to interests. Tomorrow we explore a strategic approach to resolving conflict.

Grace and peace multiplied to you